Harder than I thought

I just watched the last post I put up. This is going to be harder than I thought, opening up this much to the entire world.

A little background on my delusions and paranoia - when I get symptomatic, I start to believe that this world isn't real and that it's all an illusion in my head being orchestrated by some big "people" that are in control. Whether it be a scientific experiment at a large corporation or government, or what, I don't know. And there are always 2 men present that no one else can see or hear that are here to keep tabs on me. To report back on me. They haunt me and terrorize me.

I start to believe that no one else is real either. That everything I'm experiencing is just chemicals and signals received in my brain that are being generated by the big bad "people". If the paranoia continues, I start to believe that others around me are also working for "Them" and are keeping tabs on me as well. I've even been so far gone that I thought people were trying to kill me and that my own husband was in on it.

It's scary when I get that bad. But the reality of the situation is that I do get that bad. Too often, unfortunately. That's when I start thinking my meds are poisoned and I stop taking them and I end up being hospitalized.

Some of you may be thinking that I have schizophrenia. I don't. My diagnosis is Bipolar 1 Disorder. It's not very well known, but psychosis is very common with bipolar. Whether it be hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) or delusions (false beliefs) or paranoia or even all three.