Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Harder than I thought
I just watched the last post I put up. This is going to be harder than I thought, opening up this much to the entire world.
A little background on my delusions and paranoia - when I get symptomatic, I start to believe that this world isn't real and that it's all an illusion in my head being orchestrated by some big "people" that are in control. Whether it be a scientific experiment at a large corporation or government, or what, I don't know. And there are always 2 men present that no one else can see or hear that are here to keep tabs on me. To report back on me. They haunt me and terrorize me.
I start to believe that no one else is real either. That everything I'm experiencing is just chemicals and signals received in my brain that are being generated by the big bad "people". If the paranoia continues, I start to believe that others around me are also working for "Them" and are keeping tabs on me as well. I've even been so far gone that I thought people were trying to kill me and that my own husband was in on it.
It's scary when I get that bad. But the reality of the situation is that I do get that bad. Too often, unfortunately. That's when I start thinking my meds are poisoned and I stop taking them and I end up being hospitalized.
Some of you may be thinking that I have schizophrenia. I don't. My diagnosis is Bipolar 1 Disorder. It's not very well known, but psychosis is very common with bipolar. Whether it be hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) or delusions (false beliefs) or paranoia or even all three.
A little background on my delusions and paranoia - when I get symptomatic, I start to believe that this world isn't real and that it's all an illusion in my head being orchestrated by some big "people" that are in control. Whether it be a scientific experiment at a large corporation or government, or what, I don't know. And there are always 2 men present that no one else can see or hear that are here to keep tabs on me. To report back on me. They haunt me and terrorize me.
I start to believe that no one else is real either. That everything I'm experiencing is just chemicals and signals received in my brain that are being generated by the big bad "people". If the paranoia continues, I start to believe that others around me are also working for "Them" and are keeping tabs on me as well. I've even been so far gone that I thought people were trying to kill me and that my own husband was in on it.
It's scary when I get that bad. But the reality of the situation is that I do get that bad. Too often, unfortunately. That's when I start thinking my meds are poisoned and I stop taking them and I end up being hospitalized.
Some of you may be thinking that I have schizophrenia. I don't. My diagnosis is Bipolar 1 Disorder. It's not very well known, but psychosis is very common with bipolar. Whether it be hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) or delusions (false beliefs) or paranoia or even all three.
Opening myself up to the world
For a time, a couple of years ago, I recorded a series of video diaries to send to my good friend James. I only say his name here, because you'll hear me mention it many times.
I was going through some very hard times then, and he was a very good friend who helped me immensely. These diaries were actually his idea. They helped both him and me to get me through those tough times.
Well, I've decided to revive the recording of a video diary, and will be posting them on here. This is my most intimate blog, where I'll be revealing myself the most. Normally I prefer anonymity, and I still retain it to a great degree, however if you know my face, you'll know who I really am.
A large majority of these are of me in the throes of depression, but you'll see examples of mania, and panic as well. For clarification, my diagnoses are Bipolar 1 Disorder with psychotic features (which you'll see me describe), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think you'll see a mix of all of this in these videos.
I won't just be adding the ones I recorded back then. I'll be recording new ones, just posting them in order of recording, so you'll see the oldest ones first. It will take a while to get them all posted, as it takes a while to upload them. They aren't very long, but the files are a decent size.
My hope is that you, dear viewer, will get a first hand look at what it's like to live with rapid cycling bipolar disorder and gain a better understanding.
Comments are most welcome. Enjoy.
I was going through some very hard times then, and he was a very good friend who helped me immensely. These diaries were actually his idea. They helped both him and me to get me through those tough times.
Well, I've decided to revive the recording of a video diary, and will be posting them on here. This is my most intimate blog, where I'll be revealing myself the most. Normally I prefer anonymity, and I still retain it to a great degree, however if you know my face, you'll know who I really am.
A large majority of these are of me in the throes of depression, but you'll see examples of mania, and panic as well. For clarification, my diagnoses are Bipolar 1 Disorder with psychotic features (which you'll see me describe), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think you'll see a mix of all of this in these videos.
I won't just be adding the ones I recorded back then. I'll be recording new ones, just posting them in order of recording, so you'll see the oldest ones first. It will take a while to get them all posted, as it takes a while to upload them. They aren't very long, but the files are a decent size.
My hope is that you, dear viewer, will get a first hand look at what it's like to live with rapid cycling bipolar disorder and gain a better understanding.
Comments are most welcome. Enjoy.
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